Friday, August 10, 2012

i was lost, but now i am found

i have started this post over four different times now.  not sure what i want to say.  not sure how to say it.  
but i guess this is how the story goes...

have you ever woken up and felt like you were NOT a part of a world you live in.  breathe in.
maybe you were left out or not invited.  i hope you might be able to relate at some point as you read this post...

recently i felt this way about the photography community.

now i am not one who shares very much personally on my blog.  i have so much work to share for clients, i feel like i barely get to post anything about my family.
but this.
this i feel this is important to share.

over a month ago i felt alone in the big giant world we call photography.  thats right, it has its own world.   i had and continue to try to reach out to others and have made a few friendships along the way.  but i had an idea in my head.  an idea of being part of something bigger then a few friends.  why?  i don't no.

then suddenly. out of the blue.
i was feeling like everyone else was a part of this something"bigger" except me.  i was lost.  i wasn't me.  i wasn't breathing.  i was consumed to a certain extent by the feeling of being left out.

a dear friend, and i will call her that until the end :) , was there for me one day.  i reached for her and she not only reached back, she grabbed me and pulled me in.  sheltered me from the storm i was in, just long enough.  she was there to listen to me.  the raw unedited sad person i was in that moment. but prepared me to head back out by asking me this, why do YOU feel a need to be a part of that?

i struggled to find the answer for a few moments realizing in that second that i didn't really know.  i mean who doesn't want friendships, support, and the ability to relate and connect with someone that shares the same career as you.  the thing is, when she asked me that question i realized i didn't have to have that to move forward in life. to succeed.  to feel important.  i realized i was consumed by something for nothing.

she then continued on with reminding me of the importance to find worth in HIM.  The Lord.

after she began this discussion, i had a clear understanding. an understanding of how numerous experiences and opportunities for learning suddenly all fit together tightly.  perfectly. just for me.

i realized that while going about my crazy days and fitting whatever i could into my busy schedule.  taking care of my boys, cleaning the house, planning and preparing meals, calling clients, editing photos, feeding the dog, really the list goes on forever

i wasn't every slowing down.  i wasn't ever finding time to be still.  to listen.  and when i finally did . . .
in that very small, very quiet moment i realized there are things that i have neglected.  things i am missing.  spiritual things. things that solidify my foundation.

and when i realized that, i couldn't wait for the next opportunity to be still.  to find time to allow those quiet things of the world to enter inside.

i feel amazing today.  i almost feel like a new person.  a more confident person.  and thats because i am confident in HIM.  i was guided back and reminded of my core and what i know to be true.

i thank you natalie.
thank you for being a light that is shining forth for others, such as myself, to follow.
thank you for letting me be me.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
Psalms 37: 3-5