each day that i am alive i am grateful for this bundle that i have been blessed with. i found these pictures that i didn't really do anything with. i cannot believe how much cash b. has grown! he is a pure delight.
i have to talk about something that is important to me. over and over again people would tell me how much they loved their baby the second they came out. people would tell me while i was pregnant, oh just wait . . . the second he comes out you are going to wonder how you could love something so much so quickly.
for me this process was different. i think it is important to know that it can be different too. when cash was born, it wasn't that i didn't love him. i was bombarded with change. i was in shock that i was able to accomplish what i did while giving birth. i was overwhelmed at what our bodies are capable of and that i had a living baby within me that was suddenly here. i was also worried about that moment when i might not be able to soothe him while he was crying. scared at the thought of really being a mom. not knowing the adjustments that were ahead.
it was easy in the hospital. cash b was traumatized and sleeping it off, not to mention that you have nurses that will wait on you hand and foot. it was that first day i got home. cash wouldn't stop crying. i couldn't comfort him. i sat in my rocker and thought, what have i done. then i told myself, just think of how different it will be in just a week! that isn't that far away. think of how different it will be in 2 months! that isn't that far away.
well i decided to throw everything out the window. i had been told to only feed cash a certain amount. well that first day home from the hospital was when he was starting to wake up and freak, that kid was just hungry. that was why he was crying. i was told that he would eat 3-4 ounces. . . . not cash b. he was pounding 4-6 ounces. and he wasn't happy if he wasn't.
i learned to take things in stride being a mom. all the "oh just wait" comments you hear from people . . . don't listen to them. you make your pregnancy, your labor, your first time mom experience what you want it to be. it was hard for me for 1-2 weeks. that was because i had to accept that babies when they are that new . . . don't really work on a schedule. 5 hours of sleep was way more then most moms got. strapping the diaper on just right so it wouldn't leak is very important. how to keep cash b warm and content while he was in the tub. oh and breast feeding for me was a huge obstacle. i went to a lactation specialist numerous times and if i hadn't i probably would have thrown my hands up and called myself a failure. there is so much more too.
someone in the ward once said something along the lines of it being so interesting to watch a mother and her child and the love affair that goes on between them. (this being said to me when cash was about 2 months old) ever since she has said that, that is all i can think of. i loved cash when he first came into this world, but i couldn't recognize it with all the hustle that was around me (i, myself creating some of that hustle). but i loved him. i still love him. and what is crazy is that i am over the moon for this little guy now.
i recognize that. i am his world, and he is mine.
i am not ashamed of saying that i couldn't recognize it in the beginning. i actually think it is important to understand that it happened this way for me.
life is a process.
love is a process.
and it is always growing.
you just have to get past the first couple weeks of change.
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